Tuesday, 24 March 2015

The unfamiliar new familiar

A phenomenal change has been unfolding, not tidily as you'd hope more like a cupboard opened and the contents spilling out!  More than a year of life changers for all of us, us three.

Three woman, three very different yet similar lives and all facing different life changing challenges in the same year.  What we have had is us three and hopefully once all is sorted and settled we will still have us three just a stronger slightly different three.  It is not for me to share other peoples lives on here so I shall focus on me and lets face it it has been said its all about me!

Life has thrown many things our way and it has made me question all, including who I am and what I want, need and am working toward.  Without doubt we have choices yet many of these choices are a part of a larger shift.

The ripples ( think more creaking, lurching rolls) have effected every part of my life.  Petnanny, family, my animals, 'my team' and of course me and relationships.  Those deep questions that shake your very core.

Am I living a life that fits my ideals and who I truly am?

There have been casualties along the way and that is something I am coming to terms with.  I will try and deal with each in term though in reality it has come pretty much together.

Petnanny.  Petnanny is also the Team and also in part relationships.  Petnanny I have come to realise is me, without me it isn't really Petnanny.  The responsibility that that brings along with it is what motivates my relentless quest for safety and attention to detail.  

The team is no more.  Sam and I have worked as a team and I am going to miss that feeling.  One of the toughest things to hear is that the day to day challenge and routine we share is no longer enough, that life out there is too big a draw.  So will I be on my own?  Who knows, in the end yes in some way and maybe soon maybe not, we are working together both aiming in different directions and helping each other out.  The sadness is gone, the fear is now replaced with the knowledge we are on a new journey.  Without doubt Autumn and I have a similar mutually beneficial relationship yet so completely different and one of individuals rather than a team.

For some time I haven't been able to trust my health and to come to the stage where my life was at risk has to change you.  I've been so fortunate to find an angel to help ( do angels take payment?) and now I can trust my health and simply get on with life.

Having family, my partner and the knowledge they are by your side is an aspect I hadn't considered fully.  Of course they are there they have always been there yet what has made me see more clearly is how my life affects theirs so completely, just as theirs affect me we are inextricably connected.  I will have to stand alone one day without them, until then I feel protected and grateful.

People well they are plain complicated.  I never thought I would have to protect myself legally with someone who has been so close and I hope never to again.  I left myself wide open but only to someone who was looking for an opening.  Will I meet the same ever again?  I hope not but I won't let that change who I am and how I invite people in.

So many parts make up your secure feeling, for me having my little house helps make me feel safer in my balancing act of securing a living from a healthy fit persons occupation and relying on just me.  To have my house so completely trashed takes away some of that security until of course you take the fear away and replace it with doing, fixing and solving.  Once done the security returns.

Throughout this I have learnt about what fits.  I need to be needed, I feel worth in being busy and value integrity and honesty.   If this is questioned, you question you.

My animals always have me questioning my abilities as an owner, I long for the absolute ability to prevent anything happening that could harm or upset them yet I simply don't have the gift!  Over the years my animals have tended to be the less conventional ones, throwing all kinds of conditions and problems our way and I have always been able to battle through and come out the other side, that is until Bella. When I could do nothing to save Bella I doubted more than I have ever doubted before.  There was no one thing to blame and even I couldn't blame me and accepting is one of the hardest things, something I am still working on!  I now accept Ella and her questionable health is just the way it is and no longer fight to change it, I accept it and enjoy the weeks and months, minutes and days she enjoys.  When both Zaffi and Flute both hurt themselves and required surgery my vet saved my skin by working on a day to day, week to week basis never quite over facing me with the, as it seemed, enormity of the task ahead. One which many many people have faced of course.

So where am I heading?

I am still going and vaguely know where I am going.  With seventeen years behind me with Petnanny why not aim for another seventeen years as long as I feel the same way?  I enjoy the dogs, I have amazed myself by enjoying the people and unexpected relationships you find yourself in.  Yet I also know it needs to be in its place.  I can only give so much of me.

I shall enjoy the support and everything else that comes with family and Mr Gumps.  Next time they need me I will be right there.  At the expense of all but my dependents.  As with most people in their forties I am very much aware my time will come where I will be needed to care for those who currently still care in some way for me, my parents and to a degree Mr Gumps.

Not for me the heights, not for me just the slog.  Give me the joy of animals, relationships and a good dash of randomness.

Take care of those who need it, that includes you.  I recon we all muddle through in life even when we have a plan.

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